Another ridiculous music meme no one invited me to join:

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).

2. Put it on shuffle.

3. Press play.

4. For every question, type the song that's playing.

5 . When you go to a new question, press the next button.

6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

Opening credits:

‘Swords For Teeth’ – Black Cobra. Well, it’s really thick, and sludgy. Maybe they could pan over the sluggish waters of the River Coovum in Madras, where I was born? And from those vile depths, gradually, emerges a beast … with swords for teeth.

Waking up:

‘Dirt Road White Girl’ – Artimus Pyledriver. Well, I don’t see how that fits in. There weren’t any dirt roads near my first house, and I don’t think any white girls were involved either.

First day of school:

‘Loyal to No-One’ - Dropkick Murphys. It’s a great song, but I don’t see how it fits my first day at school, or anyone's.

Falling In Love:

‘Last of the V8 Interceptors’ – Atomic Bitchwax. Er. Well, if you just consider the music it’s this slow, loping stoner thing with a slow build into that could go with the gradual dawning awareness of someone experiencing a first crush. But probably not. Or maybe that beast from the river is attacking the populace for the first time, and there’s this cool chick fighting back in a V8 Interceptor, so that she isn’t surprised by the authorities, who object to her vigilantism.

First love song:

‘Cool-School Drop-Out’ – Peter Pan Speedrock. Well, maybe if I was to be portrayed as falling in love with myself for not being an identical clone of the other kids in school. So maybe this fits.

Breaking up:

‘Side Naked’ – Stinking Lizaveta. This is an instrumental. There’s a lot of dissonance, so perhaps it would be good mood music as the V8 Interceptor girl (we’ll call her Mad Maxine) becomes progressively more fed up with me and finally dumps me. Oh, sob. I hardly knew her!

Prom:

‘Swarm Of Malice’ – Hail!Hornet. We never had a prom in any school I attended. But yea, why not a riff-chugging, misanthropic sludge song to fit with the punch-chugging, misanthropic state I’m probably in at the event, having lost the V8 Interceptor girl.

Mental Breakdown:

‘High Life’ – Artimus Pyledriver. Unless my breakdown is related to having too much of a good time, this doesn’t really fit. I think. I can’t really make out what the singer is rasping. The guitars are great though.

Driving:

‘Gettin' Old’ – Atomic Bitchwax. Another slow, stoner groove. Maybe I’m driving very, very slowly through the sluggish flow of the Coovum river, looking for old Swordtooth, to redeem myself in a final confrontation. And feeling very cold and very old.

Flashback:

‘Shitkicker’ – Atomic Bitchwax. Wow, okay, so I’m having a drug flashback. Great time for it, too. Here comes old Swordtooth, mad as hell!

Getting back together:

‘Five Daggers’ – Black Cobra. Wow. That’s some harsh sludge there. It might fit in if I’m busy being dragged along the Coovum river-bottom by Swordtooth, and Mad Maxine plunges in to save me, and there’s this really awesome and grimy fight scene which ends with us getting back together. This is shaping up to be a good movie of my life, even if has nothing to do with my life.

Wedding:

‘Gimme Some’ – Peter Pan Speedrock. ‘Baby. Baby, gimme some/the other girls are no fun’? Yea, okay. It’s not really that romantic, but maybe it doesn’t need to be the most tasteful scene in this movie. Which, from the looks of it, isn’t that tasteful anyway.

Birth of Child:

‘Neurotic Disorder’ – Hangman’s Chair. Fortunately this is an instrumental. It’s all slow and brooding and acoustic, you figure out a way to fit it in. There’s some voice clips at the end that don’t fit at all though.

Final Battle:

‘Scientist Of The Future’ – Stinking Lizaveta. Another instrumental. The music could easily go with a hectic battle between Swordtooth on one side and Maxine, Junior and me on the other. Maybe the title alludes to the revelation that Maxine is a time traveler! This is a really good movie!

Death Scene:

‘Dominion theology’ Fall Of Efrafa – This is an extremely long, often majectic song. Lyrically it is about intolerance in the name of religion. Maybe Swordtooth was killing people to offer as sacrifices to his god, who just happens to be mad ld Yehova, and not some squamous Lovecraftian deity, as you might imagine. Anyway, this is where I bow out, and honestly, this is a great piece for it. I can just imagine myself all brave and noble and hopelessly doomed, taking on The Beast From The Stinky River. There’s a bit where they quote Richard Dawkins (or maybe it’s actually Dawkins speaking) talking about what a creep the Old Testament god is, and that would make my final moments seem so very noble. Swordtooth dies, too.

Funeral song:

‘The Saphire Falcon’ – Black Cobra. More sludge. Everyone’s really manic and enraged at my funeral. I suppose.

End Credits:

‘Maelstrom’ – Heavy Lord. A doomy epic. As the flames lick around my corpse, Maxine and Junior hunt down Swordtooth’s god to kill him and avenge my death. Roll over Philip Pullman – this is the real deal!

And, er, yeah. Wow. What a very odd experience.