Friday, 25 January 2008

the survival guide
(a manual for the urban indian)

jump queues whenever you can
if someone was waiting before you, that qualifies as a queue too
so jump it
haggle
but still accept inflated prices
so that the broke and the careful have no choice
but to shell out and fuel the mighty
economy
if you can't jump a queue, call a friend who knows a friend
anyone who can get you to the head of the queue
go on, cut that lane
cross that yellow line to overtake
orange light is equal to green light
first fifteen seconds of red light is equal to red light
and if there is a ticker,
last five seconds of red light is equal to green light
indian concept of time is complex
always jump a queue when you can
lines are for left-brain westernised rationalist
cultureless fools
we are organic and cyclic and
can ride our motorcycles on the pavement
as long as we are careful and in a hurry
ignore zebra crossings, accelerate even if
someone is crossing;
lines are for some other ideal, not ours
haggle
but still buy overpriced, useless things
so that the economy grows and more of nothing at all
trickles down to those who have no hand in
and have their hand out
drop a coin and tighten their chains
who has the time
got to jump that queue, jump that light
rising and shining
and a queue is an alien concept, confining our
vibrant diversity
disregard it
as you disregard the cries
of the raped, disposessed, aborted, mugged, mobbed and murdered
unless they are glam and/or the reporters campaign for them
and most of all don't forget to wipe your mouth
after you spit on the soil
of the soiled nation

2 comments:

Jugular Bean said...

Someone shoved past you at a ticket gate?

But yes, it is the perfect manual. Now it needs to be signed by AMPC in room 107, then you need to get the receipt from CRO in room 229, get counterfoil from madam at counterfoil desk, get countersign from Assistant PRO in room 15 and then seal from head office in another galaxy and TADAH! it's official!

Jugular Bean said...

PS: In the time that I died and was resurrected...what happened to Criminal English???